When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
