I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
