I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
