Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
