you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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