Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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