So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
