My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she pinky promised me she was 18
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
