I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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