xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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