I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
