Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
