i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
