we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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