Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
