Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
