Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
