Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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