My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
