Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
