i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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