you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
