sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
