a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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