Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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