I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
