Your dad touched me again.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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