...so i touched it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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