Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
