why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
