The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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