I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
