I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
