I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
