If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I want to fling myself into the sun
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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