Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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