If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
