I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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