I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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