if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
