my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
