wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
