watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
