piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
