I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
These tits shall not be calmed
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
