the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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