I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
