i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
