stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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