what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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