Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
