I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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