I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
