So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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