I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
