just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
