I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
