Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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