why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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