capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Come share oat with me in your robe
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