I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
