I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
