and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
