I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i think i have two assholes
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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